[Dialogue] Be Prepared For The Big One

[Hubert Fulkerson]

Beware of Tornados in Nebraska.
Hubert Flkerson

----- Original Message ----- 
From: <Jayandem2 at aol.com>
To: <Dialogue at wedgeblade.net>
Cc: <Jdtippett2 at aol.com>
Sent: Sunday, August 22, 2004 6:41 PM
Subject: [Dialogue] Be Prepared For The Big One


> We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
> you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some
radar
> blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
>
> (1) There is no need to panic.
>
> (2) We could all be killed.
>
> Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new
to
> the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
> the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
>
> Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
> three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
>
> STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
> three days.
>
> STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
>
> STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
>
>
> Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
> sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
>
> We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
>
> HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance.
>
> Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
> home meets two basic requirements:
>
> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
>
> (2) It is located in Nebraska.
>
>
> Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Florida, or any other area
> that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
> prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
> required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into
> the insurance business in the first place.
>
> So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
> charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of
> your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental
floss.
>
> Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance
> companies.
>
> This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
> policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are
> entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
>
> SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
> all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
> are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
>
> Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
> they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
> they will fall off.
>
> Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you Get
> them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your Hands
> will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
>
> Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
> And will definitely protect your! house. The disadvantage is that you will
> have to sell your house to pay for them.
>
> "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
> protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
> hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
>
> He lives in Nebraska.
>
>
> "Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
> yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
> visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items
> into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should
> have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn
these
> objects into deadly missiles.
>
>
> EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
> evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
> low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida"
> you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route
> is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.
> Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your
> home,along with five hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you
> will not be lonely.
>
> HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies.
> Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the
last
> possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights
> with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
>
>
> In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
>
> 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
> power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
>
>
> Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
> The bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
>
> A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
>
> A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
> hurricane, but it looks cool.)
>
> A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask Anybody
who
> went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
>
> $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
> can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
>
> Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
> near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
> turning
> on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
> next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is
> for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
>
> Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise!!
>
>
> Judith, Mike and Meg
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