[Dialogue] Oh Canada! - 2 pieces

[LAURELCG@aol.com]

I enjoyed this.  Hope you do, too.  Jann McGuire

 

The Democrats' guide to Canada

By Tom Regan

Oh Canada!


Some Democrats, it seems, are turning their eyes towards our northern 
neighbors as they yearn for life, liberty, and the pursuit of a land without 
Republicans. Overwhelmed by Tuesday's tsunami of red states, and the destruction of 
their hopes for a Bush-free world, many American Democrats have talked openly of 
pulling up stakes and heading to the Great White North. 


This has become such a recurrent theme in the last 48 hours that the Canadian 
government felt it was necessary to issue a press release reminding people 
that moving to Canada was not like moving to Buffalo (even if it looks somewhat 
similar) - it's another country and that means you have to do it the 
old-fashioned way. You have to earn it.


Always eager to help my new fellow citizens learn more about my old fellow 
citizens, I've decide to write "The Democrats' Guide to Canada" to help them 
brush up on their Canadiana before the big move. 


Pay close attention. There will be a quiz at the end.


1) If you plan to move to Canada, above all DO NOT move to Southern Alberta. 
Southern Alberta is full of oil men, cowboys, cattle ranchers, etc. You'll 
think you never left Texas. It would be like deja vu all over again.


2) Learning the words to the Canadian national anthem is pretty tricky. So, 
after the "Oh Canada" at the beginning, just remember these key phrases: "Stand 
on guard for thee," "True north strong and free." Repeat them a lot and 
you'll be fine.


3) Canada is in mourning right now because the National Hockey League is 
taking the year off for labor reasons. (People do get too religious in Canada, but 
only about hockey.) Be sure to dress in black, but wear a Toronto Maple Leafs 
toque.


4) OK, Canadian words. A "toque"is like a watch cap, but with a pom-pom on 
top. "Pogie" is not a Russian meat pastry - it's a slang word for unemployment 
insurance. You don't sit on a couch, you sit on a "chesterfield." You don't 
chow down on a gyro, you gobble a "donair." You don't say President Bush, you say 
"that moron." (Actually said outloud by the top press assistant to the former 
PM Jean Chretien two years ago. She "resigned" after the remark.)


5) If you want to live in a place near the ocean, move to Nova Scotia. If you 
cherish flat land, try Saskatchewan. If you want urban industrialization, go 
to Ontario. If you want a certain joie de vivre, Quebec is calling you. If you 
want someplace warm ... well ... there's always ... or maybe ... how about 
... on second thought, just stay in the US.


6) In Canada, if you call someone a "policy wonk," people will think you're 
talking about a slightly deranged life insurance salesman. The idea that 
someone may know too much about something important is an idea that is foreign to 
most Canadians.


7) You can say nice things about the United Nations and not one stone will be 
thrown at you. By anyone.


8) Buy a snow shovel. In fact, buy a six pack.


9) In Canada, a New Democrat has nothing to do with the south or any kind of 
moderation. New Democrats in Canada are the on the far left. And a liberal may 
not be a liberal, because he or she may be Liberal. And a Liberal may be a 
conservative. But that doesn't mean he or she is a Conservative. In Canada, a 
Liberal may be a liberal, a conservative or even a moderate. Got it straight?


You see, in Canada, you can completely change your political stance just by 
capitalizing a letter. 


10) Don't forget to add "eh" to the end of every sentence, eh?


11) Learn everything you can about curling ... and I'm not talking about hair 
dressing, OK.


12) If somebody bumps into you, you need to say excuse me. It just works that 
way.


13) In Saskatechewan, all conversations start with "So..." In Nova Scotia, 
everything is "right some good." 


14) Toronto is the New York of Canada. Say bad things about Toronto anywhere 
else in Canada and you will be welcomed with open arms.


15) A real key to being a good Canadian is that while you are in Canada, you 
never talk about what a great country it is, but the moment you go outside its 
borders (especially to the US) you never shut up about it.



(I was only kidding about the quiz. The last thing Canadians like to do is 
embarrass people.)


Okay, you Dems. Wagons, ho! North we go. And don't forget your toques.

(Here's another one --Jann)

 

O Canada, we plead to cede to thee


By HOWARD GENSLER




ADOPT US, O Canada!


As a blue-red split continues in the Divided States of America, we note that

every blue state is contiguous to Canada or to a another blue state that is

contiguous to Canada, except Hawaii - that's not contiguous to anything but

a lot of blue water that's contiguous to Canada.


Therefore, we've got an idea. How about a sort of second American

Revolution, Canada, in which you annex all the blue states, liberate us from

King George, and thus become the world's sole superpower.


What Canada Gets:


* Higher education: All eight Ivy League universities, Stanford, U. Chicago

and Northwestern all just lowered their admissions standards for the kids

from Saskatchewan.



 

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A Daily News Graphic    


* Serious sports: Forget the Super Bowl. With the Eagles, Patriots,

Steelers, Jets, Vikings and Packers, the Grey Cup is where it's at.


You get the Expos back as they're now in D.C. But who needs the Expos when

you've got the Red Sox, Yankees, Twins, Mariners, Giants, Dodgers, Angels,

Padres, Phillies and Pirates. The World Series is coming! The World Series

is coming!


The Raptors are Canada's favorite basketball team? We don't think so.


What about Flyers-Maple Leafs? Flyers-Canadiens? Settle the strike and drop

the puck.


* Warm-weather vacations: Sun yourselves whenever you want in Southern

California or Hawaii at Canada's beautiful beaches.


* The cultural arts: Tourists will love Canada's museums including the

Smithsonian, the Museum of Natural History and the Philadelphia Museum of

Art. Plus, in addition to Broadway, the Kennedy Center and top regional

theater, we're throwing in our best orchestras - Philadelphia, Boston,

Chicago and L.A.


* The entertainment industry: You already love our movies and TV shows more

than those red-staters and now when that rare production shoots in

California or New York instead of Vancouver or Toronto, you still get credit

for the jobs and the tax revenue.


* The automobile industry: Ohio can keep its Honda plant. GMs, Fords and

Chryslers are made in Canada.


* The biotech industry: With many of the world's top biotech firms located

in Massachusetts, New York, Washington and California (thanks to $6 billion

in new stem cell research funding), it's likely that Canadian scientists

will cure cancer and heart disease within the next 50 years.


* The computer industry: That's right, we keep Microsoft, Apple,

Hewlett-Packard and Silicon Valley. "America" gets Dell.


* A burgeoning tourist industry: You've now got a lot more to sell than

Toronto, the Cabot Trail and the glaciers in Banff. Even red-staters love to

visit Atlantic City, the Liberty Bell, Maui, the Space needle and Disneyland

(now Disney Canada).


* Fresher produce: Canada, the artichoke, garlic and strawberry capital of

the world. And Canadian wines just got a whole lot tastier.


* Arnold Schwarzenegger: He can't be president but he'd make a swell

Canadian premier.


What the Red-Staters get:


* Exactly what they want.


What Blue-Staters get:


* Canadian citizenship: And we don't even have to move.


* "O, Canada": A national anthem that's much easier to sing than "The Star

Spangled Banner."


* Free flu shots. (Not to mention free health care.)


You don't like our "values," red-staters, you've got your wish - we're outta

here.


But remember, the next time you want to see a Broadway show, visit wine

country, Hawaii or the birthplace of liberty, don't just bring your Visa

card, bring your visa.


You're in Canada now. And we're tightening our borders.


Don't delay, Canada. This offer expires in four years. graphic