[Dialogue] Being a Republican

[hypnocenter]

Ken Wiltse forwarded this to me.  I thought it a riot, albeit discomfiting
with its "truth."

 

What You Need To Believe To Be A Republican:
1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney 
did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin
Laden" diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.


6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health
care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the
best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense,
but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is
solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for
your recovery.

15. Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who
will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.


17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing
orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

Feel free to pass this on. If you don't send it to at least 10 other people,
we're likely to be stuck with more (conservative) Republicans in '06 and
'08.



 

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