[Dialogue] FW: Australia/Airline humor

[Jack Gilles]

Dear Friends,

To lighten up your day!  Thought you would enjoy these sent to me by a 
friend here in India.

Jack

-------------------------------------------------
>These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism 
>Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....
>
>1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, 
>so how do the plants grow?(UK)
>A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them 
>die.
>
>2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
>A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
>
>3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? 
>(Sweden)
>A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .
>
>4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
>A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
>
>5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to 
>contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
>A: Let's not touch this one.
>
>6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a 
>list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
>A: What did your last slave die of?
>
>7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? 
>(USA)
>A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. 
>Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not 
>...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings 
>Cross. Come naked.
>
>8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
>A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and 
>we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
>9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
>A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
>10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
>A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. 
>.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in 
>Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
>11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
>A: No, WE don't stink.
>
>12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can 
>you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
>A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
>13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
>A: You are a British politician, right?
>
>14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population 
>is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
>A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
>
>15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
>A: Only at Christmas.
>
>16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year 
>round? (Germany)
>A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is 
>illegal.
>
>17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense 
>rattlesnake serum. (USA)
>A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All 
>Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make 
>good pets.
>
>18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget 
>its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
>A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum 
>trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare 
>them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
>
>19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I 
>dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
>A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
>
>20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
>A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
>
>
>
>   OK - I got sent this as I was an airline attendant/airhostess/stewardess 
>for 14 years once upon a time!
>   ~~M
>
>
>   1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
>   crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
>   altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
>   comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>   2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
>   you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
>   wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
>   3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
>   your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
>   it's something we'd like to have."
>
>   4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
>   ways out of this airplane"
>
>   5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
>   giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>   6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan,
>   alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>   7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>   Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
>   take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
>   landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
>   8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
>   flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
>   into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
>   belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
>   shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
>   9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
>   descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
>   over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
>   your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
>   more than one small child, pick your favorite."
>
>   10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
>   clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
>   you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
>   Southwest Airlines."
>
>   11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
>   of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
>   with our compliments."
>
>   12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>   belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
>   the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
>   13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
>   is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
>   industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
>   14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>   Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
>   said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.
>   I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the
>   pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
>   asphalt."
>
>   15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
>   on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach,
>   the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
>   landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
>   to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
>   fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
>   gate!"
>
>   16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>   landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
>   bounces us to the terminal."
>
>   17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>   hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
>   policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
>   the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
>   airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
>   time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
>   have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
>   little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if
>   I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
>   it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"
>
>   18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
>   on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
>   until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
>   screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
>   cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
>   you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
>
>   19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
>   thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
>   the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
>   metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
>
>   ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
>
>   HAUGEN MORRISH
>
>   CLARKE LOGISTICS
>   1625 Dublin Ave Winnipeg,
>   MB R3H 0W3 Canada
>   Tel:(204) 256-7900
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>   SPONSORED LINKS Waffle weave  Instant weave  Hair weave
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