[Dialogue] (no subject)

[JOHN L. EPPS]

This article appeared in a Kuala Lumpur newspaper the other day. It
provides a somewhat humorous Asian view of the USA elections. Note the
surname of the author and see if it reminds you of someone we once knew.

Such Sweet Torture
Nury Vittachi

   A Western journalist called me the other day to ask what Asians thought
of Sarah Palin.
   "Just a minute," I said. "I'll ask them." I held my hand over the
phone, counted to 20 and then got back on the line. "They like him," I
said. "But they think he should make more episodes of Monty Python.
   There was a long pause. I heard the journalist's brain cell click into
place.
   "That's not Sarah Palin," she eventually said. "That's Michael Palin.
   "Well Asians would like her to tell her husband to make more episodes
of Monty Python."
   "Actually, I don't think Michael Palin is her husband."
   I took a sharp intake of breath. "They are not legally married? That's
something that Asians definitely do not approve of."
   "No, no, no, she's married to someone else, not Michael Palin."
   "That makes it worse," I said.
   There are few things in life more pleasurable than tormenting American
journalists. The only downside is that it is so easy. They are absolutely
convinced that the rest of the world watches every detail of what happens
in the United States as if it was some sort of wacky global sitcom
designed to entertain the rest of the planet. Actually, that IS more or
less the case. But I still like teasing them.
   Anyway, the caller explained in words of one syllable that Sarah Palin
could possibly be "the second most powerful person in the world" in a
month and she needed a commend from Asia for a feature she was writing.
   "I understand," I said. "Well, the first thing that Asians would want
to know is does this Palin come from Palin?"
   "What do you mean?" she said.
   "You do know there's a place called Palin in Asia?"
   Silence.
   "It's 400 kilometers north of Yangon. You do know where Yangon is,
don't you?" I asked.
   She changed the subject.
   "Sure, but are Asians concerned that someone with no practical
understanding of Asia could soon be in a position of global leadership?"
   It was my turn to sound baffled. "George W. Bush has been leader of
America for eight years already. There's a difference?"
   "Ms Palin's level of familiarity with Asia makes George W. Bush look
like an old China hand," she replied.
   "Now you're scaring me," I complained.
   "So Asians wouldn't vote for her?"
   "Most of us are not even allowed to vote for our own leaders. What’s
the point of asking us whether we'd vote for yours?"
   Her tone was becoming icy, so I decided to strike a more conciliatory
note. "What's Ms Palin's position on Jammu and Kashmir? How does she see
Taiwan? For late night takeaways, does she prefer Indian or Chinese?"
   The journalist told me that Ms Palin had expressed no opinions on those
subjects. Bit she claimed to have foreign experience, since she lived in
Alaska, which was near Russia.
   I nodded over the phone. "Alaska is near Russia, and Russia is near
Asia, so that makes her an Asia expert."
   "She might think so," the journalist said.
   Reluctantly, I decided I had to give a straight answer. "I think most
Asians would rather that Obama's team won."
   "Because he lived in Asia?"
   "Because his favourite food is chili. He says his heart is
all-American, but his bowels are definitely Asian."

		The Sun, Kuala Lumpur, October 13, 2008 p. 19.

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