[Oe List ...] John Cleese message to U.S. citizens

[Nancy Lanphear]

Dear Jann,

Thanks for the moments with gales of laughter!  Then came the 
seriousness in the message.

Nancy


On Dec 14, 2005, at 5:38 PM, LAURELCG at aol.com wrote:

> Forwarded by Jann McGuire.
>
> A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of 
> America
>
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
> Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
> commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
> fancy).
>
> Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for 
> America
> without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
> whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
> dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
>
> Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'
> will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,
> you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
> and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
>
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words
> interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such
> thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The
> Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the 
> reinstated
> letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original
> national anthem, "God Save The Queen".
>
> July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
>
> You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists 
> shows
> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be 
> handled
> by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to 
> handle
> a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry 
> anything
> more
> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you 
> wish to
> carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
> All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we 
> mean.
>
> All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will 
> go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
> tables.
>
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
> sense of humour.
>
> The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
> You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato 
> chips are
> properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
> and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
>
> The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred 
> to as
> beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be 
> referred
> to as
> Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
> so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
> Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play 
> English
> characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
> Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> removed with a cheese grater.
>
> You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time,
> be allowed to play rugby which has some similarities to American 
> football,
> but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or 
> wearing
> full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.
>
> Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host 
> an
> event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> your borders, your error is understandable.
>
> You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
> An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's 
> Government
> will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
> (backdated to 1776).
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
>
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