[Oe List ...] A Question I would like to ponder in company

[Long, Jean]

Herman and Magaret -

Herman, your phrase - "what I can dcide to do s live in a state of not feeling absolution and going on"  triggered one of the most profound decisions of my life.  After anger (another face of depression) drove to ask Dr. Ken for help, I went on lithium (for 21 years now).  It took two years for the lithium re-balance to allow me to become as normal as anyone is (with a sense of humor again).  During those two years, I could not stand to be around people - they were like salt in a wound.  I could not stand to read our spirit classics for solace.  I was numb spiritually and emotionally - but I could cook, do dishes, set tables and was grateful for a way I could interact with the community.  This was a place of horror - quiet and cold like a tomb.

As this did not go away and I went into my second year of interior silence and hopelessness, images of the great spiritual messages came to me - of swimming deep deep in the dark - and once in a while a signpost would appear == it's been a while, so get my gist not my accuracy -- "sometimes in the middle of all that === grace will appear - ask not from where or why" -- another signpost that reminded me of St. John and the Cross - and the fact that the log burned to ashes is really that - me"  and, among so many others - the final one - that faith is only decided in the midst of hopelessness.....

Well, I had hopelessness, for sure -- and I for damn sure was not going to give up the journey of care - so I agreed with whatever power Be's that I would live in that state of hopelessness the rest of my life.  (no contexts - and that is hard for me).  It took another year and my soul was released.  

Margaret and Herman, my soul's energy is with you.

Jean



-----Original Message-----
From: OE-bounces at wedgeblade.net [mailto:OE-bounces at wedgeblade.net]On
Behalf Of Herman Greene
Sent: Saturday, February 05, 2005 9:06 AM
To: 'Order Ecumenical Community'
Subject: RE: [Oe List ...] A Question I would like to ponder in company


Dear Margaret,

I find myself to be very sad this morning as well. What I can decide to do
is not experience absolution, intellectually that is always a given, what I
can decide to do is live in a state of not feeling absolution and going on.
I sometimes think of the song from Around the World in 80 days. It says, "I
journeyed on, when hope was gone, to reach my rendezvous." Many times, I
find myself journeying on.

Sometimes the darkness is healing. I was once given a paper by a Jungian
analyst about depression that talked about the soul receding into itself . .
. going on a wilderness journey. It's an uncomfortable place to be, but if I
allow myself to be in that place, sometimes I find I come out with a new
understanding.

Being one who has been on Zoloft for the last eight years, when asked about
such situations, I always say don't rule out the possibility that you may be
helped by anti-depressant medication.

Speaking from personal experience, I feel I know you as well now through
your writing about your garden as I did from the time I knew you in the
order. I know from your writing about the garden and the pictures you shared
with me, you are a beautiful soul who is capable of much love and is gifted
with writing, gardening and creating beauty.

Herman

-----Original Message-----
From: OE-bounces at wedgeblade.net [mailto:OE-bounces at wedgeblade.net]On
Behalf Of aiseayew
Sent: Friday, February 04, 2005 10:19 AM
To: OE at wedgeblade.net
Subject: [Oe List ...] A Question I would like to ponder in company


Dear Colleagues,

It has been dark, cloudy and foggy, for several days here in central Iowa--a
little unusual for this time of year.  Perhaps that is a part of the reason
I found moisture seeping from my eyes in the middle of my shift last night.
I tried and tried to come up with the question underneath my rampaging
thoughts and it formed like this:  Where does the sense of absolution come
from?

I have not forgotten that absolution is a response to accountability.  I am
perfectly clear that some would say it comes in the address of the Word, but
I know that I often choose to reject the address of the Word in my life.
That the past is approved is just a fact.  It does not necessarily provide
the sense of absolution.  Throw forgiveness and grief  into the mix.  There
are things for which I have been forgiven for which there is no sense of
absolution.  There are things for which I have not been forgiven for which I
feel no need of a sense of absolution.  Is there is a sense of absolution at
the end of grief.  Does grief ever end?  How do you know?

I may be searching for a feeling, but what engenders it?  I haven't
forgotten that grace happens or it doesn't.  I have never associated a
feeling or a "sense" with the experience of grace.

I know of no other place I can pose this question, which might have been
struggled with in other contexts.  My e-mail address is
aiseayew at iowatelecom.net if you want to reply apart from the listserv.

Thanks in advance for the dialogue,

Margaret
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