[Oe List ...] [earthrise] Witness: Beginning again

[larry@icatw.com]

This witness is not according to the schedule.  I'm not due to write one 
yet, but I missed last year and today is a milestone for me, so I'll 
just jump in.
 
I am learning to live alone for the first time after 40 years of 
marriage.  When my husband, George, died last year, I couldn't fathom 
that I was alone at first.  And then, when the horror of his being gone 
morphed into the consuming activity of putting together the funeral and 
letting friends know and family arriving, I could almost evade the 
reality of it for awhile.  But when the funeral was over and friends and 
family gone, I was alone in a way I've never been alone in my life.  I 
would never hear George laugh again, or tell me what had gone wrong in 
my life was okay, or convince me that I was competent when I felt 
stupid, or tease me out of a funk, or smile and make everything right, 
or tell me how much he needed me.  I was left grasping to hold onto 
memories of how brave he was, how tender he could be, what a sense of 
humour he had, how passionate about life he was, and I was left with 
only an echo of the intimacy we shared.  What carried me through was my 
faith and my church, and a caring son who took on the responsibility, 
this first year, of spending more time with me than he could really afford.
 
Today is the first anniversary of George's death.  My older son came 
over and spent the night with me last night and went to church and lunch 
and the cemetery with me today.  It was a beautiful day, and I felt able 
to celebrate George's life instead of mourning his loss so keenly.  
Little by little this year, I have begun to accept that my life is not 
going to be what I always expected it would be.  I'm not going to grow 
old with my husband.  He's really gone.  I think today I realized that I 
always thought if my husband died I would feel his presence -- and I 
don't.  I haven't in this whole hard year.  He is just really 
gone.  There is a sense of abandonment, and the reality of aloneness in 
life, despite family and friends, is deep.  But today, for the first 
time, I feel as though I am ready to move into this new phase of my 
life, whatever that is.
 
I'm reading Joan Didion's book about the loss of her husband, "The year 
of Magical Thinking," and she describes how she realized at some point 
that she hadn't been willing to give away her husband's shoes because he 
would need them if he came back.  On the face of it that sounds just 
ridiculous, but that is kind of how I have felt this year.  I've had so 
many dreams in which George was alive again, and i was having to explain 
to everyone who sent flowers or came to the funeral that he wasn't 
really dead, and I've been worried, in those dreams, because I sent all 
his suits and shoes to the Salvation Army and threw away his shaving 
gear.  "He can't really be gone" hovered about in my psyche the whole 
year, even though I knew he was.  Today it's like I woke up and said to 
myself, "He's really gone."  And I'm at peace with that.  I'm ready to 
give him up to the Lord, and I don't think I have been until now.  And 
I'm finally ready to figure out the rest of my life.  How many times in 
this life so far have i had to begin again in one way or another?  
Countless times, though nothing like this.  Something like an ant 
building and rebuilding his anthill every time it gets squashed or 
washed away, only this time there is a crater to fill.  But the Lord is 
ever faithful, and over and over stands with us as we begin again.  and 
again.  and again.
 

    /George Dykes and Susan Fertig-Dykes first became involved with
    EI/ICA in Caracas, Venezuela, in 1971 through an RS-I.  They became
    part of the cadre, took other courses, were part of the Religious
    House experiment in Caracas with Rev. Bruce and Marcie Bunker and
    Fr. Ralph Davila, and helped recruit the first ITI there in 1973. 
    (While living in Caracas, George attended a Guardians meeting at
    Centrum, but Susan's first visit there was last year.)  They moved
    to Houston, Texas, at the end of 1973 and engaged with the cadre and
    the Religious House there with Priors Don and Christina Clark and
    Sherwood Shankland and Sunny Walker and others.  They were deeply
    involved in the Town Meeting 76 effort before moving to Denver in
    the summer of 1976 and disengaging from the Spriti Movement until
    1993 when Susan started up ICA branches in Croatia and then in
    Bosnia during the war there.  Susan is now working at USAID buidling
    democracy in former communist countries of Europe and Eurasia.  In
    the space of a year, between April 2004 and April 2005, she
    experienced the deaths of her mother-in-law, her only and younger
    sister, and her husband./

 
 
Susan Fertig-Dykes
telephone: (703) 751-5956
Email: Susan at gmdtech.com <mailto:Susan at gmdtech.com>
 




LAURELCG at aol.com wrote:
> In a message dated 4/3/06 11:15:09 AM, shahn at iquest.net writes:
>
> << I'm afraid Susan's witness never made it to my mailbox (and I am on the 
> earthrise list).  Could someone please forward it to me?  Thanks! >>
>
> I didn't get it either.  I don't know about the earthrise list.  I've 
> wondered about Susan a lot, and would love to receive her witness.
>
> Jann McGuire
>
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